1) What's the definition of a pussy?
The box a dick comes in.
2) What can you eat off a pizza that you can't eat off a pussy?
The crust!
3)What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
4) How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex doesn't change, but the dishes pile up.
5) Why is a dick so unhappy all the time?
His neighbors are nuts, his best friend is a pussy and whenever he gets excited he has to throw up!

6) Texan First Aid

7) Things are done differently down here.....here's an example.
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a
few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turningblue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can
you breathe?"She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak?"
Again, she shook her head no.With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So
shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and
began to breathe. After sitting back by his friend, the Texan said, "Funny how that hind
lick maneuver always works."
8)The only thing the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed. 30% of the time it is hard up, 20 % of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts. Effective january 1st, 2000, the penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: {which one would be your tax bracket?) 10 - 12" luxury tax $30.00 8 - 10" pole tax $25.00 5 - 8" Privilage tax $15.00 4 - 5" nuisance tax $3.00 Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!

9)One day, after striking gold, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains
and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got
her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the left."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and a
couple of beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
open the door and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest, toughest
whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"Well, you found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her
ankles. "How'd you know I wanted to do it in that position?" asked the
miner. "I don't" replied the whore, "just thought you might like to open
those beers before we get started."
10)What do you call a female dinosaur?
        Clitorus

11) What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
        Lickalotapus

12) So one sperm says to the other, "how far is it til the ovaries?"
        The other says, "relax, we just passed her tonsils."

13) Why does it take it hundreds of millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?
        Because they never stop to ask for directions.

14)A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They
found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun
go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the
sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and
behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her,
but he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well
enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another
beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the
redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear.... "Would you mind taking the dog for
a walk?"
The archeologist was thrilled beyond words when, after digging in Australia, he found a tablet with symbols carved upon it. Carbon dating placed it at nearly two thousand years old, which made the find even more significant. "If we look at these symbols," said the archaeologist at a press conference, "we can infer several things about the society that carved them." Displaying the tablet, he pointed out the symbols in turn. "The presence of the cross," said he, "indicates that Christianity had reached Australia not long after its founding. Next, the presence of a shovel suggests that the early Australians were builders. The third symbol, what looks to be a donkey, proves that they had domesticated animals, while the fourth picture, a baby fowl, demonstrates that they were farmers." "Bull!" shouted a man in the audience, an archaeologist noted for his outrageous ideas. "Anyone with half a brain knows that it's really early Australian pornography." "oh?" the discoverer of the tablets said smugly, "and how do you know that?" "Because," he replied, "what it really says is, 'Christ, dig the ass on that chick!'"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"